Sunday, October 12, 2008

A Staple in My Head; or, The Manliness of Anthony Plopper

So, yesterday afternoon, my head encountered something much akin to a razor blade and began bleeding profusely, leading to my taking a trip to the emergency room and having it stapled back together.

This is not as random as it may perhaps sound, and one should not actually be alarmed that my head encountered something much akin to a razor blade, for that something was simply the elbow of my friend Anthony Plopper, whose manliness is simply too great to be contained by something as small as skin. No, his elbows are like razor blades, his ankles like great walls of steel (you'll have to ask Cody for some explanation on that one), and his feet like great and terrible monsters ready to come bursting out of any shoes containing them. Broken toes, lacerated heads, bruised femurs: all these are within his great and terrible power.

And that's when he's having fun.

In seriousness, for those looking for a tale of my head injury, it runs quite simply, and thus: yesterday afternoon, after the OU/TX game, a good-sized group of people was playing a pick-up game of Ultimate. It was an excellent game: very competitive, but also very friendly, with both teams playing quite well. In short, loads of fun. After about 45 minutes of play, my team (also Anthony's team) had the disc and we were moving it down the field with considerable aplomb. Our friend Cody Piersall launched the disc in a very lovely throw down the length of the field as I cut across the length of the field. I thought he was throwing it to me. Turns out I was wrong, as I discovered as I glanced back toward the disc, continuing my widthwise cut across the field and discovered Anthony and whoever was covering him (sorry, I didn't really have time to notice your identity, whoever you are) moving toward me - or rather, toward the disc - or rather, it made not a whit of difference for we were all to be in the same place very soon - quite rapidly. This elicited a moment of thinking, Bad! and then a rather longer and more painful moment of tangling bodies, connecting limbs, and general tumbling through the air, at the culmination of which I was aware that my head hurt about as badly as I've ever felt it hurt and that I was suddenly terribly sweaty. I found myself kneeling on the ground, wondering why I was perspirating so much more than I had been, holding my head. Someone commented that I was bleeding, and badly, and I thought, Nonsense! I'm not bleeding. I'd know it if I were bleeding. At which point I saw blood drip off of my nose and realized that all the extra liquid on my face wasn't sweat.

No worries, my friends! Head wounds are like that! You see, blood flow to the brain and thus to the head in generally is exceptionally high as compared to the rest of the body; the high blood flow is necessary to meet the exceptionally high demands of the brain. Thus, any wound of any significance at all on the head is likely to bleed quite profusely. And so it was in my case.

As it turns out, in midair Anthony's elbow connected quite firmly with the upper left part of my head, opening a cut in it approximately 3/4 of an inch long, and perhaps 1/8 of an inch across. This led to my bleeding. Also: a rather remarkable headache that persisted for quite some time. I maintain that no human elbow is capable of delivering such a cut, and therefore propose that Anthony be required to subject himself to regular scans for abnormal body enhancements, including but not limited to x-rays, CT scans, MRIs, mammograms, and fistograms. These should readily ferret out his methods for inflicting injury on people. I'm convinced he's an X-man, with adamantium ankles and retractable elbow-mounted razor blades at the very least.

All of that to say: I'm quite all right, thank all so very much for asking, being concerned, and praying for me. Other than a very slight headache (I've had worse ones after a hard sneeze), I'm doing quite well. I only required one staple in my head, and it should come out in around 10-14 days.

In this, as in all things, I know that God is being glorified and will continue to be. What precisely that looks like, I know not, but I know it to be true nonetheless.

May all of you be blessed!


  1. "No worries, my friends! Head wounds are like that!"


    So, is this how you handled stuff with your Mom growing up? "No worries, Mom ... it's just bleeding a lot because, well, blood flows through my veins a lot ... and, well, when it gets punctured, it bleeds a lot. But, Mom, that's a really good thing because that means my brain is getting sufficient blood flow so that it can perform at optimum levels of performance ... not that I really needed to convince YOU that my brain performs at optimum levels of perfomance because you've worn out every pair of shoes in no more than three weeks trying to keep up with me all these years. And I know that it is true that I have caused any and all gray hairs on your head ... and I can give you the scientific data to document that truth, too, if you would like them now. But I'm guessin', Mom, that you'd really like to make this silly wound stop bleeding so much that it's beginning to soak up yet another one of your good bath towels. So I'll be quiet for a moment, Mom, and let you do your Mom-thing ... because I know you're gonna do it even if you have to punch me to knock me out so I'll shut up and stop squirming! (Oh, btw, Mom, do we have any motrin left, or did I cause you to finish yet another bottle? ;)"

    LOL - Chris, you crack me up!!! Ahhh, poor Jaimey ... it is she that will have to mother your children who take after you ;) !!!!!

  2. Krycho: 1, Elbows: 1. So far it is a tie game.

  3. Glad to see the knock on the head improved your sense of humor. ;)

    You had me laughing as I read it and then to read Ame's comment on top of that, I just laughed all the harder. Mammograms and fistograms? All you left out was singing telegrams. :P


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